apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
handjob tips. give me some.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
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