she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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