plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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