Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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