I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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