this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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