at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
