My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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