I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
