she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
