I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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