I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
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You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
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Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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