Umm I'm too high to move.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
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