Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
