I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Never joke about your clitoris.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
