Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Randomize
