Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
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