Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
