I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
