Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
