You're so nebulous sometimes
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I am spending my child support on dildos
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
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