You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
