does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
