I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
My dick has a subreddit
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
