i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
