i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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