Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
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