Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
