P.S. I can't hear my feet
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
drinking out of a sandbucket again
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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