So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
