The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Randomize
