We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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