Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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