Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Randomize
