Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
