Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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