I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Randomize