My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
You've changed since you got that strap on
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
