if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
