i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
