You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Randomize
