hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
