then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Randomize
