just survived the first fart of the relationship.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
