God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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