You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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