drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
