My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
