You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Randomize
