Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
