But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
