I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I love how my cats smell like pot.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
