just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
