New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
