guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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