Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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