You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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